SYMPTOM

CAUSE

SOLUTION

Feet cold and wet:

Glass being held at incorrect angle...

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet:

Improper bladder control...

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless:

Glass empty...

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights:

You have fallen over backward...

Have yourself  leashed to the bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts:

You have fallen forward...

See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet:

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face...

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred:

You are looking through bottom of empty glass...
 

Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving:

You are being carried out...

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark:

Bar has closed...

Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures:

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations...

Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles:

You are dancing on the table...

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear:

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up...

Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:

You have been in a fight...

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in:

You've wandered into the wrong party...

See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted:

The beer is too weak...

Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song:

Beer is just right...

Play air guitar.