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A beautiful,
voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look
at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He
immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in
the first place."
Foolish man give wife
grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
A police officer
pulls a guy over for speeding and has
the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car
was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the
driver to handle the situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying dirtbag told you I was speeding,
too!
A guy was very ill
and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father
began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed.
With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and
died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping
the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket
of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it
thinking it might be something he could recite during the service.
It said: YOU WANKER
- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I
locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I
can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works
especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the
blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the
car.
These three women
were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and
they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you
come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when
you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
"Now THAT'S a good date!"
Q: What do poker
and sex have in common?
A: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Q: Why did
Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
A: Because she sat on Pinocchio’s face and said "Lie to me!" "Lie to
me!"
One morning while
making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her
butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of
your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and
replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast
and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your
bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up
we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your
brother."
Q: How many animals
are in a woman's panty hose?
A: 15.....10 little piggys, 2 calves, an ass, a pussy, and a dead
fish they haven't found yet!
It takes many nails
to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Q: What is the
difference between your first honeymoon and your second?
A: The first, Niagara; the second, Viagra!
Two guy's are
fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his
cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the
man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues
fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in
you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do -
after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Q: What's the
difference between lesbians and Kracker-wheat?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
A man walks into a
bar and he's really pissed off. The bartender gives him a drink and
asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are
assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offence to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole."
Due to a mix-up on
Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are
forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the
ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm
going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down
below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it
out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm
going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little
happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and
can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all
three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Q: What's the
difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer
lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A blind man walks
into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man
behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The
bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde.
Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't
want to have to explain it five times."
Two cannibals are
eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:
''Does this taste funny to you?''
73 year old guy
driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in
a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the
radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are
hundreds!''
Two blondes are on
opposite sides of a lake.
One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
A man who smelled
like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the
dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant
about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope
does!"
A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying
them on, the daughter asks, "Why have they got L and R written on
them?". Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on."
Her daughter replies, "Is that why I have C&A written on my
knickers?"
A boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying
blue paint crashed into each other.
Apparently the crew were marooned.
Q: What is Mary short for?
A: She has no legs.
Q: What's the difference between Sperm and
Traffic Wardens?
A: Sperm has a 1,000,000 to 1 chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
A: Iglue.
Two men were looking in a shop window, one
points at a pair of trousers
and says, "That's the one I'd get." At which point a Cyclops walks
round
the corner and kicks his head in.
When blue collar workers go out together on a
weekend they talk about
football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your
balls.
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from
China. They decided to become
American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China.
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one
leg?
A: Hop in.
Q: What is the difference between true love
and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common?
Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo"
Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do"
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a
cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his
right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
"You're not eating properly" the doctor replied.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped
his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse.
Q: What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza
delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat
it.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic
bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong:
wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat;
but you
just can't beat a blow job.
Q: What did the Serbian Prime Minister say to the prostitute?
A: Slobberdownmycockyabitch.
Walked past a man with one arm the other day
and I said
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to change a light bulb", he replied.
"Will you be able to manage that?" I asked.
"Yeh, no problem, I've got the receipt!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
And finally...
Q: What do you call a man who used to like tractors?
A: An extractor fan.
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