Jack is the only son of Awe
Schitt and O. Schitt, and he has an interesting family tree:
In 1957, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
Jack Schitt grew up and married Noe, and together Jack and Noe
Schitt produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt (who came to be known as "The Lucky Schitt")
Fulla Schitt
Shineola (who didn't really have the Schitt Face)
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt (who really looked like Schitt, the father),
and the twins: Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.
Dip Schitt was not very bright, and was known as "The stupid Schitt",
and she married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out who happened to
share the same last name (no relation, however). Friends
affectionately nicknamed them "The Schitts". Their marriage produced
no little Schitts.
The other twin, Deep Schitt, went on to build a deodorant empire,
which became famous for it's slogan: "Smell Like Schitt".
Interestingly, that slogan only worked in the United States, and
another slogan was more popular in the U.K.: "Put a dab of Schitt on
your pits." When the company launched it's product into Australia, a
third slogan was used successfully: "Smell Like Schitt Down Under".
But soon, trouble developed and Noe Schitt divorced Jack and
promptly married a nice man named Ted Sherlock, but being a modern
woman, she decided to hyphenate her name. She become known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Jack was depressed at losing Noe, but he, too, remarried a nice lady
named Loda. The blushing bride, Loda Schitt, produced a son of
nervous disposition, whom they named Chicken Schitt.
Jack and Loda went on to produce two more boys, Krappy Schitt and
Ugglee Schitt.
These athletic brothers, Krappy and Ugglee, married the stunningly
beautiful Happens Sisters in a dual ceremony.
The "Schitt-Happens" Wedding was a huge affair, and this union also
produced many offspring:
Dawg Schitt
Byrd Schitt
Hoarse Schitt
and Pigh Schitt
But once again, Jack lost his love for his wife, and left to tour
the world. He recently returned from an extended visit to Italy with
his newest bride, Pisa.
Presently Jack Schitt and his 3rd wife, Pisa Schitt, are living
without children in New Jersey on property which contains a stream
of water, now known to the locals as "Schitt Creek."
From now
on, nobody can say you don't know Jack Schitt!
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