Misc Stuff: Here you'll find a growing list of slung together junk we get sent and can't be arsed to categorise.

I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhhhhhh... it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know... they have surgery to fix that!
Make it dance for me.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no... a flash headache.
(Giggle and point.)
Can I be honest with you?
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first, then maybe...
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.
(I am not a morning person!)

In order to meet the conditions for the launch of the single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2002. From this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating".

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

SCSI: System Can't See It

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Fifteen Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent 'splash-back'.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, gently to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half a can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you. The whole process should take a maximum 2 minutes so as to 'pass off' as a pee to visitors.


Fifteen Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump". Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to fart noisily.

7. Sigh loudly as the first turd bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue stuck to the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. You can do this by peeing at it after a few beers later in the day.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

Bathroom signs

We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

Here I sit broken hearted,
paid a dime and only farted,
next time I'll take a chance,
save my dime and shit my pants. 

Some people come here to take a shit... I come here to leave one!

____________________________________

Missing Pound:

3 Guys all book into a hotel room costing £30 for the night, so they all pay £10 each.
Later on that evening, the receptionist realises she's made a mistake and the room should have been £25 so she give the bell boy 5 pound coins to give back to the men.
On his way their, the bell boy realises how difficult it is to split the 5 pound coins equally between the 3 men so he puts 2 in his pocket and gives the men a pound coin each. Now this means that each of the men have now only paid £9 each for the room.
But 3 x £9 is £27 and the bell boy only kept £2, so... where is the missing pound ?

____________________________________

Pretty ugly

Alone together

Working vacation

Business ethics

Resident alien

Genuine imitation

Act naturally

Civil war

Found missing

Microsoft Works

Exact estimate

Good grief

Sweet Sorrow
 

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Jumbo shrimp

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood
 

Peace force

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Same difference

Almost exactly

Long Shorts

Temporary tax increase

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security
 

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